Don't Laugh

I was reading 'Cosmopolitan' the other day. To be perfectly frank, I compulsively pored over all of the articles. Afterwards I felt a bit silly and more than a bit dirty. The least offending, but most outrageous feature was on '8 new places to have sex.' Shagging in front of the icebox isn't particularly sexy; I certainly wouldn't want any overlap between my sex play and my leftovers -- or the ingredients for tomorrow's brown bag lunch for work. Deargodno. But, it's 'Cosmopolitan,' you come to expect that sort of thing from a supermarket magazine targetted at bored housewives, high-school girls and college co-eds.

What caught me off guard (and did outrage me something good) was 'The Ugly Truth About Hollywood's Hottest Women.' Reading through it a second time, I understand that some women like to hear that the beautiful and priviledged members of their sex are losers in their personal lives. But 3 of the articles were about women who, for all appearances, had sexual problems that no one should want to sneer at; as told from the perspective of men who didn't care about the womens' problems except to be offended that a particular girl's looks and public behavior had misleadingly advertised the goods, as it were. Two of the women were cold fish; so patriotic that, when not out in public, they could do nothing but lie back and think of England. They were both dumped by the reporting male partners. It's only fair, we can't really expect guys to tolerate terrible sex in a relationship that was formed primarily on appearances. It was the third story that actually upset me. Number Three was about a girl who was pretty and flirtatious in public, took a guy home, started going at it, then flipped out and started crying hysterically before eventually recovering into some sort of bizarre and "gross" sexual mode. The guy got out of dodge before things could get weirder (because sometimes sex isn't worth the strange). Of course, the 'Cosmo' editor dubbed that girl's article "Sexy Schizo."

What is funny or gossip-worthy about a girl with psychological problems with sex? I don't want to know that guys who meet girls like this run away and gossip to some rag reporter. It does not make me feel better, or more glamorous, to know that some Hollywood starlet is seriously damaged goods in her private and individual life. It's the people who seemingly have it together in public that usually need the most compassion when they lose their shit in private. But this article was completely void of compassion or sincerity. The nature of gossip is to be cruel, I guess. Frankly, it makes me want to find the boy who could have used his experience to get the girl some help and backhand him. Although if he was motivated by sex and not love, I can't totally fault him for fleeing -- he had no stake in her. The editor, on the other hand, should have known better.

It's like a joke I heard a friend of mine make about another: "Man, he takes long showers. He's been in there longer than a rape victim." In the abstract, maybe we can all have a chuckle about traumatizing things. After all, nothing's funny about rape unless you're raping a clown. But to gossip about a real person, however anonymous they may be... I just can't see the entertainment value of that. And I don't know if I would be able to respect anyone who did.

Next Time: ducks, cars, projects, goings on, corporate whoredom, new acquisitions and David Cronenberg films.